Our true names

The Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh, has written so many books that have fueled and inspired me. But there’s one poem that pierced me like a pin in my spiritual balloon.

Please Call Me By My True Names.

I wrestle with it, resist, and realize how selective I can be in my so-called compassion. This poem shines a light on my darkest side, and tries to tell me it’s okay. But, ‘I’ am not okay. I struggle so hard with how I am supposed to accept things I find unacceptable, untenable, unforgivable.

The part of me that thinks I’m supposed to be a well-mannered, infinitely compassionate yoga teacher finds herself in a catch – 22 of feeling angry and ashamed, of feeling anger in the first place. It’s been… decades. But, there has been some improvement, and I’ll take victories wherever I can get them.

The poem starts beautifully enough, with feeing interconnectedness with all that is; fragile baby birds learning to sing, jewels hidden in stone, caterpillars in the heart of a flower. Those are the easier things to accept interconnectedness with, and compassion for. The continuity of birth and death, laughter and sadness, rising and falling like waves in the ocean of cause and effect in which we all swim – that’s all fine.

But then, the poem challenges the reader to accept the interconnectedness of things we would label as predatory at best, and murderous at worst. The mayfly, and the bird who eats it. The frog, and the grass-snake who quietly feeds. The malnourished child in Uganda, and the arms dealer. The young refugee girl on a boat, and the sea pirate who violates her and causes her to throw herself into the ocean.

I’m NOT connected to that, my indignant heart immediately cried. No way.

But, the ‘no way’, shows me where my heart closes down. The ocean of cause and effect that shape a pirate are… the same seas of cause and effect that shape me. Can I feel compassion for humans shaped by unspeakable events? Can walk a mile in their shoes, and admit the knee-jerk reaction of reacting and judging are really a reflection of how I might feel towards, myself? Is the absence of judgement… more peaceful, and ultimately more healing, than righteous indignation?

~ * ~

Decades, I’ve tried to accept the invitation Thich Nhat Hanh offers.

To find equanimity between the girl, and the pirate.

Between leaving, and arriving.

Between my past, and my present.

I’m going to begin by going back in time, to when my mother named me.

I thought I needed to change my name to escape my past,

When really, I needed to change my mind to embrace my past.

This, brings me victory in the present.

I was Sarah for 10 years. I’m ready to be called by my true name.

I am, Christine Keeley.